Today my mom told us more stuff about my dad. I cried a lot, we both did. All that I know right now is that I’ll try to make the best as I can to make my mom happy, she deserves it after all the shit she’s been through. She’s the strongest woman I know, my hero.
I need more dreams and less life: okoenig: ~*~*~LE DREAMERS~*~*~: A list of films everyone should see:... >>
A list of films everyone should see:
Click link to watch film. If there are any problems with the links just message me.
It’s crazy how time goes by so fast and things change so much and we don’t really realize until we look back and remember how things used to be.
It’s been almost 4 months ever since I saw my dad for the last time. I remember it perfectly because it was a day before our (me and my sister’s) first day of college, which was like the worst time to do it. I remember it also because we (me and my sister, again) cried a lot. My little sister is the strongest, she never ever cries so when she does it you know it is because she’s really sad or feels really bad. It sucks. I cry for everything, so it’s no big deal. Thinking about this whole situation makes me feel super sad because even though he screwed things up, he’s still my dad. I have so much memories from when we were little and it breaks my heart to think things are never getting back to how they were. We’ll remain broken. Specially my sister, she was the closest to my dad. I know he probably misses her more because I’ve heard those sort of comments from my mom and it’s OK. I never really got along with him. Sometimes I start thinking about how he might feel right now. There’s not a day that I don’t think about him. And as much as I’m mad at him, I miss him. I miss how things were. I mean, we’ve never been a perfect family but hey, sometimes it’s nice to know you can count on both of your parents.
He’s living with another family now. How would that feel? Waking up in another house? Not being able to see or communicate with your daughters? Not knowing how much time is it going to take for things to get better?…Sort of. I think about these things all the time. I think about my future and I wonder if he’s going to be there. And it hurts so much. Not knowing what’s going to happen and knowing life’s short and unexpected and anything could happen.
I wish I knew all these things sometimes. I wish I had a good dad, you know? Like the ones you see in movies. But movies are nothing like reality. Reality sucks.
I’ll try to ask my best friend out, idk.
We’re friends after all…that shouldn’t be weird.
Except for the fact that I have a huge crush on him.
It’s been a while.
The contrast between these last 3 weeks has been drastic. I went from feeling completely useless to feeling alright. I love my best friend but he can be sort of weird sometimes. Anyways, enough with the bad stuff, we’re alright now.
I have tons of work to do and when I say “tons” I really mean it. It’s good ‘cause I’m learning but it sucks at the same time because I won’t enjoy doing these things in this short period of time. It’s all a balance between things, I guess. No more band rehearsals for now.
I finally ordered my ipod touch and my wacom splash today and I’m excited, not too much though, but yeah. Those things will be hopefully arriving by the end of May which is perfect timing considering I’ll be finishing this semester by June or something. I still feel like I don’t deserve this, but man my mp3 player it’s almost dead and the wacom will be helpful if I want to start my own Society6 page. Which is my gold for vacations…and being a Rookie Mag illustrator and all of that. I need money ok. I’ll save for a bass or something, or college or books or cd’s or food.
Today I discovered Melody’s Echo Chamber, which is basically the female version of Tame Impala which doesn’t mean is bad at all.
I’m obsessed with Vampire Weekend’s new album, by the way.
I am hungry right now,therefore my brain isn’t working very well sooo yeah…Gotta go.
this is really helping me focus. wow.
Take me somewhere nice.
- Islands - The xx
- Flow - Cage the Elephant
- Tessellate - Alt-J
- Spanish Sahara - Foals
- 15 Step - Radiohead
- Simple Math - Manchester Orchestra
- A White Demon Love Song - The Killers
- Go Slow - Haim
- On Melancholy Hill - Gorillaz
- Hide Your Eyes - Halfnoise
- House Of Cards - Radiohead
- Olympic Airways - Foals
- Default - Atoms for Peace
- Something Good - Alt-J
- Take Me Somewhere Nice - Mogwai
- Calgary - Bon Iver
- You Are A Tourist - Death Cab For Cutie
- Magnet - Now, Now
- Little Vessels - The Lighthouse and the Whaler
- Reproof - Halfnoise
- Dull Gold Heart - Band Of Skulls
- Speed Of Sound - Coldplay
- Lights - Ellie Goulding
- NYC - Interpol
- With Or Without You - U2
Everything is alright. I think. That’s good.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this bad in my life. I feel so alone, even though I know my best friend’s there but I mean, she lives far from me. Not too far though, but it’s hard for us to see each other. I’ve only seen her 2 times in my life, like, in person. We skype sometimes and talk almost everyday. I don’t know what I’d do without her. My other “best friend”, who’s a boy, is being a dickhead lately. It’s hard for me because he was like my favorite person on Earth but sometimes he can be too weird and just stop talking to me out of nowhere. It wouldn’t affect me as much if I didn’t had this huge crush on him. It’s complicated. Sometimes I just want to rip my heart out because these feelings are too much for me to handle. I feel like I’m submerged in some sort of darkness and I can’t seem to find the light. I know it’s there, somewhere. It’s just that I’ve done so much for this boy and got too attached to him that it is like all of that doesn’t mean anything to him. Like I’m nothing. I know I deserve better, but these feelings won’t go away. I want yo hate him but I can’t. I want to be able to let him got but I can’t. I’m crying a lot right now because I start thinking about all that we’ve been through, all the conversations, all the jokes, everything. I’m thinking about how I’ve always thought he’d be “the one”. Like I won the lottery or something. I always said that to him, I always told him how special and amazing he is just in case he forgot. He never sent me a 2:00 am email, but that’s fine. I was fine as long as he was my friend. I gave too much and it ended up leaving me with nothing. I’m too stupid. I don’t know what’s going to happen, if this silence is going to be longer than I thought. If the sadness will go away someday. All I want is things to be alright, cause to be honest I’m done with dealing with this bullshit.
I haven’t even tried to put my feelings into words today because I know that whenever I start thinking about it, I’ll burst into tears. I’m too sensitive, so I cry for everything. A week ago things were alright, or at least I thought they were…but I had a little feeling that something was about to go wrong.
I was right.
Last Sunday wrote, “I’m not ready for this week to happen”.It’s just that sometimes, maybe because of a fifth sense or something, you just know when things are about to explode. It can’t be that good for too long. It’s not normal, that’s life. There’s ups and downs. Sometimes you feel like you have everything in its right place, everything figured out and you’re happy, you love life. Other times it feels like you’ll never get out of this dark hole, you can’t see the light. All you ever seem to do is wanting to cry and disappear because it seems like things would be so much better if you didn’t exist.
I’m standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It’s a hollow play
But they’ll clap anyway
Okay, I’ll admit it. Mostly, what affects my happiness is other people…and over-thinking. I feel really lonely at times. My best friend hasn’t talked to me in days and that affects me a lot because he is my ray of sunshine when things are going bad. It’s getting bad again, and it’s dark. I feel like the light is never coming back again. I feel terrible. I miss him, so much.
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I’m not here
This isn’t happening
Last time this happened I survived. Yeah, I cried a lot…but here I am. So I’ll just wait for things to fall back into place.
Tomorrow’s Monday. Nothing to look up to. I have no band rehearsal, which sucks because I kinda know why and where this is going. I know he won’t speak to me, it’s just how weird he is at times. I’ve done so much for him and I’ve been always there for him. I never say no when he asks me for help. I’d be able to try and move mountains if he asked me to. That’s just how much I love him. But things don’t work like that, it’s not just me giving and giving and giving…it’s not healthy for things to be that way. He says he appreciates me and I’m his “best friend”, but where does it all go when he ignores me and treats me as if everything I’ve done means nothing. I don’t do the stuff I do just so I can get something from him, but at least be nice, you know? That’s like the least he could do.
I’m so confused and sad right now.
I am what you need when you can’t find it somewhere else.
I am what you want when you don’t have anything else.
I wish I could talk to him and tell him how I feel.
And agh, I’m seeing my dad this week. I don’t feel like dealing with this, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do so.
I just know a lot of tears will be shed this week. I feel it. I just hope that next Sunday I’ll be writing something like “Everything’s alright”. Because that’s all I really want.
Listening Arcade Fire as I write this.
I was right when I said I wasn’t ready for this week to happen. It’s been too much. It’s actually kind of creepy thinking about it because it’s like I knew. Good thing, I’m alive. I still have the chance to turn things around and say what I need to say. Hopefully.
I love my best friend and I’m sure you’re probably tired of me saying this but whatever. I love him and I don’t think it’s going to change from one day to another. I don’t even think I’ll meet anyone like him again. It’s like a once in a lifetime opportunity and turns out I was the lucky one. My other best friend (yes, I have two) it’s like “he doesn’t care about you”.
I’m confused. I don’t even know what’s going on? All I know is I know nothing.
• Accidentally close a tab? Ctrl+Shift+T reopens it.
• Bananas release dopamine, eat them when you’re sad.
• CTRL+SHIFT+ESC is the one handed version of CTRL+ALT+DEL
• Don’t brush your teeth hard, it makes them sensitive and removes enamel.
• Don’t like spiders? Put citronella oil on your walls and they will not go there.
• Drink one glass of water for every alcoholic drink you have, you’ll get drunk without getting a hangover.
• Get clear ice cubes by boiling water before freezing it
• Heal paper cuts and immediately stop the pain with chapstick.
• If you accidentally write on your dry erase board with a permanent marker, scribble over it with a dry eraser marker to remove it.
• If your shoes smell, put them in the freezer overnight, it will kill the bacteria.
• Make bug bites stop itching with a banana peel.
• Make a paper longer with 12-point text, but 14-point periods and commas.
• Need to get around a blocked website at work? Try replacing the http:// with https://
• Never send your resume as a word file (unless asked) Instead, print it to a pdf file, it’s much cleaner and professional looking.
• Pick a flavor of gum you don’t normally chew, and chew it while studying during a test.
• Place a piece of bread in a container with your homemade cookies and they will stay soft.
• Put a dry towel into a dryer with wet clothes, they will dry faster.
• Put toothpaste on a pimple and it will dry out.
• Practise fake smiling in the mirror every day before going to work/school, you’ll genuinely start to feel happier.
• Rub canola/olive oil on knives before cutting onions, you won’t cry, alternatively chew gum and you won’t either.
• Short on time with a wrinkled dress shirt? Hang it up in the bathroom to steam it flat.
• The night before, place things you don’t want to forget the next morning on top of your shoes.
• Use hydrogen peroxide to remove blood stains from clothing.
• When cleaning windows use newspapers or coffee filters instead of paper towels, they will not leave streaks.
• When microwaving bread products/pizza put a glass of water in with it, it will keep your bread for going spongy.
• When you move into a new place you’re renting, take pictures of any and all damage, then post them on facebook (privately if preferred) so you can use the reference date as proof you didn’t do it.
• When searching plane tickets online delete your cookies prior, prices go up when you visit a site multiple times. <sma
Giving up on someone is the hardest. Specially if they take so much space in your heart. I’m trying really hard.